Deep seeded issues… Man those can suck and really mess you up for the long term.
I know I’m far from perfect, especially when it comes to my past relationships. I really want to work on this and learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to have another failed marriage or end a relationship badly ever again. But why am I constantly thinking of a way out? An escape plan? Why can’t I just be happy and trust? It’s like I constantly have to make sure I can’t be hurt. I honestly think it all stems back to my dad leaving me, when him and my mom decided to get a divorce. He hurt me by leaving, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he did. I never got those feelings out. I never got to tell him how much he hurt me. He knew it but I never got to voice it. So I think from there on out I put a wall up. Never would I be hurt again by any man. I’d be the one doing the hurting. I’d be the one leaving. “I will never be vulnerable again, blindsided by loss”, all thought’s I’d have. It hurts still. He left us all. I never got to deal with it like I should have been able to as a child. I feel like it just wasn’t discussed. So to this day it shapes who I am and how I treat relationships. Is this an excuse for my past behavior, of course not! It’s a realization and acknowledging my imperfections and finding ways to fix them. It’s me owning my mistakes and trying to find the source of my deep down hurt. Fixing the REAL problems so it can trickle up and fix the rest of my small problems. Once you eliminate the source the rest seem to follow.
Writing all this out has freed me in so many ways. Actually allowing myself to see that I was hurt as a child and allowing myself to feel those feelings. Owning my mistakes and trying my absolute hardest to fix myself. I’m a work in progress but I’m proud of myself for being able to be honest with myself and work on me. I also have an EXTREMELY supportive boyfriend in my life who is incredibly patient with me and lets me be totally honest with him and I never ever feel judged or feel like I have to hide anything. He makes me feel like there’s hope, that he won’t leave me and that I don’t have to hold back any longer. I can finally start to take the wall down that I have been building for years and years. I can be totally transparent and vulnerable. I can truly love and be loved. Meeting him has been the absolute best thing that has ever happened to my life in so many ways.
I didn’t mean to turn this into a love post but it all plays a factor in a lot of my recent…enlightenment’s, if you will. I’ve been freed of so many of my demons over these last four and a half months and I hope to continue this pattern. Life is pretty great when you can own who YOU are, all the imperfections and everything, and not give a damn what others think. I’m thankful I have the ability to do so.
Peace, my friends.