LOVE

Today I was looking through the photos on my phone, seeing all the good times I’ve had over the last few months and realizing how lucky I am. After all the crap I’ve been through I’ve only come out stronger and some pretty amazing people have stayed by my side the whole time. I think sometimes it’s easy to think there isn’t much to the lives we live, that they are boring and we wish we did more. That’s why I love looking back at pictures I’ve taken. It reminds me that my life is pretty great, despite the hard times, and that I have an amazing group of friends and family that I’ve shared so many memories with.
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Deep Seeded Issues

Deep seeded issues… Man those can suck and really mess you up for the long term.

I know I’m far from perfect, especially when it comes to my past relationships. I really want to work on this and learn from my mistakes. I don’t want to have another failed marriage or end a relationship badly ever again. But why am I constantly thinking of a way out? An escape plan? Why can’t I just be happy and trust? It’s like I constantly have to make sure I can’t be hurt. I honestly think it all stems back to my dad leaving me, when him and my mom decided to get a divorce. He hurt me by leaving, as much as I didn’t want to admit it, he did. I never got those feelings out. I never got to tell him how much he hurt me. He knew it but I never got to voice it. So I think from there on out I put a wall up. Never would I be hurt again by any man. I’d be the one doing the hurting. I’d be the one leaving. “I will never be vulnerable again, blindsided by loss”, all thought’s I’d have. It hurts still. He left us all. I never got to deal with it like I should have been able to as a child. I feel like it just wasn’t discussed. So to this day it shapes who I am and how I treat relationships. Is this an excuse for my past behavior, of course not! It’s a realization and acknowledging my imperfections and finding ways to fix them. It’s me owning my mistakes and trying to find the source of my deep down hurt. Fixing the REAL problems so it can trickle up and fix the rest of my small problems. Once you eliminate the source the rest seem to follow.
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Fathers Day

Yesterday was Fathers Day and I’m not gonna lie I hate Fathers Day. Ever since I lost my dad to cancer I’ve hated the day. I hate seeing everyone post pics of them and their dads saying how amazing they are. I didn’t have that growing up and now I never will. I don’t have the opportunity to change anything about my past with my father and I didn’t take the opportunity to do so when he was still here. To this day that eats me alive. I have a step father that isn’t talking to me because he sided with my ex husband over our divorce. So yeah I hate that day. If you have a father that’s amazing and you can always count on them that’s awesome! I’m honestly jealous of you. Don’t take it for granted because not everyone has that and you are very lucky. I hate that this day hurts me the way it does and I hope someday I can move past the feelings. Being ok with the fact that I don’t have a dad and never will again. Being ok with feelings of abandonment by someone I considered a father figure. I know I have many, many other amazing people in my life that I can look up to and count on and I’m so thankful for that. I just needed to get these feelings out there. Trying to let them go. Being thankful for the people I do have in my life that love me unconditionally, no matter what. That’s all I can do.

Self Love

Self Love. Why is this such a hard concept for us to grasp?

I personally struggle with self love. Given all the recent changes in my life I’m starting to find out where the root of my problem was and how I could fix it. I think it boils down to being happy, truly happy with the life you’re living. I thought I was happy. Any thoughts that went against the life I was living I shut down immediately and thought of something else. I suppressed many emotions for a long time and honestly didn’t recognize I was even doing it at the time but I see it loud and clear now. I think a lot of that also tied into me not loving myself. How could I love myself if I didn’t love the life I was living? So I left a marriage behind and lost many friends (not by my choice) because I was unhappy. But because I was strong enough to do so I have discovered more of who I am and what I want in life. I feel so much more free, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know myself more and I love myself more. I have found it’s easier to accept who I am now than ever before. Do I still struggle with self love? Of course! But not nearly as much as I have. To me that means I’ve eliminated the causes of why I was hurting on the inside. I think true self love happens on the inside and protrudes outward . I’ve had many friends tell me I look so much happier now. If other’s can see it you know you’re doing something right with your life.
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We made it.

6/12/17

Well we made it! We are officially living in Columbus. It was an incredibly long weekend but we managed to move mostly by ourselves. Nick’s parent’s helped us both days and our friend Alex helped Friday, thanks guys 🙂 ! Today is Monday and we are almost done unpacking. We can’t unpack the bathroom’s or kitchen fully because we are getting new cabinets and vanity’s put in, which is awesome but I’m also ready to be fully unpacked. The area we live in is nice and close to just about everything we could possibly want or need. I’m super happy that we stumbled upon this townhouse. As for my anxiety and moving/change happening it’s been good. I had a little anxiety creep up on me last night but I think it was because I had a cold brew coffee and the caffeine intake was just to much for me and that’s an automatic trigger for my anxiety, so it gave me the jitters. I felt sad and fearful for no reason. Which were always clear signs for me that I was having anxiety but I’m feeling great today. I’m super excited that we made this leap and moved away. I honestly thought I’d never leave Findlay. I assumed I’d move out of state if I did ever move but I’m glad we chose Columbus. So if any of you know the area well leave some suggestions for places to check out and what not. Half the fun is exploring 🙂 Thank you all for the support. Love you all!

Body Image

Body image, something I’ve worried about most of my life.

Up until just recently I have always been incredibly strict on myself with working out and eating the right foods. My fitness journey started around 7 years ago. I was heavier than I had ever been and wanted to change it. I met my friend Amy, who was already a gym goer and knew about proper nutrition, so I started lifting here and there with her. I eventually joined the gym that she went to and we started working out together. She taught me all the basics and got me comfortable going to a gym, which I’m still great-full for to this day because lifting/exercise has become one of my favorite hobbies. (thanks Amy!)
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columbus bound

Columbus bound…

Well this week is the week, the week we finally get to move out of Findlay. We have both wanted this for so long, long before we even met. I believe it’s happening at the most perfect time for both of us. We both had to find each other first before it could happen. The stars had to align, our timelines had to meet up, ya know all the weird cosmic love stuff haha. So we finally get to move. Yay! Other than feeling incredibly excited as I sit here surrounded by boxes I’m also a little scared. It’s not an incredibly far move by any means but it’s also not Findlay. The place I’ve lived since I was 19, before that I lived in an even smaller town but worked in Findlay. So it’s not familiar and comfortable like I’ve been used to my whole life. I won’t go places and know at least a few people when I walk in. The population in Columbus as of 2014 was 825,000 compared to Findlay of 41,202. There will be so much more life surrounding us in Columbus, which means more opportunity. It definitely feels like the right move. Will Columbus be our forever, who knows, but it’s our right now. That’s the fun thing with life, it’s ever changing with so many opportunities ahead if you’re willing to take them.
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Up’s and Down’s

Little mental health update…

Lately I’ve been feeling very up and down. This is very unlike me to feel this way. Some days I’m happy and life couldn’t get any better. Other days I’m sad about something and for no real reason either. The sad days feel very extreme. Like a deep down low sadness that you can’t shake. I fixate on something and it makes it even worse because then I’m reciting something over and over in my mind until it drives me crazy. I’ve never felt that way before. I wonder if it’s from coming off Zoloft? Being on Zoloft I never felt extreme sadness. I’d have bad days sure but never to the point of sadness I’m feeling now. Thinking back before Zoloft I don’t recall feeling that low of a sadness either. So why now?

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Purpose

Lately I’ve been thinking of my purpose. What am I here to do? As many of us wonder from time to time. Obviously that can be ever changing and take many forms. Overall I know I’m meant to help. I’m a helper. Not so much a physical work kind of helper (but I’ll help you move if you need me 😉 ) but more of a listener and advice giver kind of helper. I’ve felt that way for a really long time I’ve just been waiting on what exactly I’m supposed to do to help others. Years back I was very much into working out, lifting, and eating healthy. (still am today) I started a private group on Facebook helping girls out with getting on track, gave workout advice, shared healthy tips for eating, etc. I really enjoyed that and felt like I was helping, not to mention I was doing something I loved. Fast forward to today, I started a blog as an outlet for what was going on in my life. I have journal-ed for years and years and had thought about starting a blog but always pushed the idea to the back of my mind and now here I am. I know I haven’t helped hundreds and thousands of people by posting about my life experiences but I have helped a few. Hearing from people that read my blog and having them tell me it’s helping them out really feels great! I know I’m helping someone and that’s what it’s all about, other than me spewing out my feelings so all ya’ll can read it. 🙂 Once again though I feel like I’m helping and that reassures me I’m doing the right thing, on the right path in life and it puts me at ease. I personally believe we all have a purpose, big or small, we all have one. Try to find your purpose, your passion, your love in life. I know helping is mine so I’m going to continue to try and help others the best that I can.

Have a fun and safe holiday weekend!

alone inside

I come here sometimes.  It makes me feel even more alone than I already feel inside.  I get comfort in feeling alone sometimes.  I let darkness come over me and it feels good.  Wrapped up in a blanket of sorrow I walk.  I walk and walk until I tell myself to snap out of it.  Stop letting this sadness consume you, I say.  But sometimes I can’t help it.  I need to feel alone, sad, sorry for myself.  I decide to let myself feel it, to feel all the sadness I want to, to be as alone as I want to feel.  I allow it to consume me.  I invite the feelings in.  It rests inside me, digging a deeper and deeper hole.  Finding it’s spot to rest and grow, if I allow it.  Today I’m allowing it to stay but only for a little while longer…