Today I was thinking about anxiety and depression and how people that have it can be so hard on themselves and fail to see the huge steps they take everyday to go out of their comfort zone. Everyday tasks like getting out of bed, going to work and doing errands alone can be hard. There would be days that I went to the gym and wanted to cry during my workout because my anxiety was so bad but I refused to let it keep me home and away from something I love doing.
Some days going to work was a struggle for me to. I’d get anxious the night before for no reason. I would work myself up into a panic attack and then my work weekend (I worked weekends at Lowe’s RDC) was pretty much ruined. I’d hide from everyone at my desk, even my friends because it was just to hard. We had morning meetings in one of the offices and for a good month I’d have panic attacks during all of them. These little 15 min meetings I’d be freaking out on the inside trying to play it cool, just wanting to run out of the room crying. Those days were such a struggle but I pressed on. I recall one day I wanted to go to the mall to look for some things. I was going alone and told myself, it will be ok it’s just the mall. I got there and started looking around and before I knew it I was going into a panic attack. I had also ran into someone I knew right when it was starting so I tried to play it cool until the small talk ended. I looked around a little more trying to avoid the panic feelings but couldn’t do it anymore. I got outta there as soon as I could. I got into my car and started crying then drove home. I went and laid in my bed and cried some more. I thought, what was wrong with me? I can’t even do a simple fun thing and go to the mall to shop. This was all before Zoloft by the way. This was my life for an entire year before I decided I couldn’t do it alone and I needed serious help. What I’d like to point out though and the point of this blog post is that even though I struggled with anxiety, panic and sometimes depression is that I TRIED! I went out and did things regardless if I thought I’d have a panic attack. I went to the gym, I went to work, I tried doing things alone in public. I went to social events I was invited to even though it was uncomfortable. I made myself get out from under my rock even though it was hard and sometimes ended in tears. I think that sometimes people with mental health issues fail to see these big leaps they take daily. Every time you take those steps your strengthening your mind even if you don’t see it at the time. It’s easy to feel weak during those times but really I think we are the strongest mother fuckers out there! We fight everyday to survive! These struggles only make us stronger and ready to face what’s next. I hope if you’re going through a tough time you allow yourself to see the baby steps you take everyday. The successes you have, big or small. I still applaud myself for doing things alone. That’s a huge thing for me. So don’t ever feel silly for those small everyday things you accomplish. To some it’s second nature but for someone that struggles with anxiety, panic or depression it’s a huge deal. There is ALWAYS a positive in every situation. Sometimes you may have to look a little harder but I guarantee it’s there.