So I’ve been off Zoloft for 3 months now. It was a success and I’m so excited I was able to come off of it after having taken it for 2 years. With that being said, yes I don’t have the need for anti-depressants in my life at the moment but does that mean I don’t still have days where anxiety takes me over, of course not. I still have days where I need reassurance and I question things over and over in my mind to the point it drives me crazy. I still have days where I create scenarios in my mind that seem very real to me to the point I believe they happened and feel emotional towards these fake scenarios. It’s always negative thinking to. I have days where I ask Nick to tell me he still loves me and that he won’t leave me because my anxiety makes me feel like he will. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m not worthy at times still. I have days where I may be meeting a new person and I have to talk to myself out loud and reassure myself that people do like me and to just be myself because meeting this new person will go okay.
Is this everyday? Nope. But it does still happen. I still battle with my brain from time to time and it’s hard to develop a new way of thinking when I’ve thought this way for so long. When I’ve thought I’m not enough, that people think I’m weird, that I stutter when I get anxious and I feel like people judge me, that I close myself off because it’s easier than being rejected, that I question the relationships I have because my anxiety says I’m not worthy of one. I still try my hardest not to let these thoughts and feelings consume me but some days they take over.
Even though I do still deal with these things my mind is much healthier and stronger than it was before I went on Zoloft. I don’t have the physical affects anxiety brings about like I did back then. The foggy head, hard to focus, tunnel vision, the feeling of cotton in your ears making it hard to hear, depression, and panic attacks. Those are mostly gone and honestly those were some of the worst feelings in the world. I felt like I couldn’t live my life the way I wanted and there was nothing I could do about it.
In a way I feel like I will always have some ounce of anxiety, which is normal yes, but not to the extremes I was having in the past. I just hope to someday be able to renew my thinking and be confident in who I am. That’s my mental health goal at the moment. Re directing any negative thinking that leads me to those anxious thoughts. It’s not easy but nothing mental health related is. I’m pretty confident I can get there though! I’ve survived thus far.
Happy Friday! 🙂