This post is kind of all over the place to bear with me…

Sitting here feeling stuck on what to blog about. Then I got to thinking how relieved I have felt this last week. My divorce has been final now for a couple weeks and I think since then I’ve really allowed myself to process my feelings of everything that has happened. In a way I think I was closed off from letting myself really feel everything I needed to. To allow myself to fully let go of everything, all the feelings, the people I lost, the life I lost, all of it.

I did a lot of self reflection last week. I reached out to a couple friends I lost, not expecting anything back but I needed closure there. I did a lot of crying and talking things out with myself. I had some girl time with my best friend and got a lot off my chest. Things I never told anyone about my marriage because I didn’t want it to look bad, I told her that day. She was amazed at some of the things I told her. I’m debating on posting about “my side” of the story. I’m not ready at the moment but maybe someday. Anyway…I realized I needed to mourn. I needed to mourn the loss of everything. I get it, no one died but I lost a lot. It was a big eye opener for me. I learned how people react to change, even if it’s not their life that’s changing, people can really hate you for the choices you make. I guess I don’t understand that way of thinking so it’s taken me awhile to really be ok with how people have responded to everything. People that you thought would never leave, leave you. I mean I understand people hate on others everyday for the choices they make but I had never gotten that treatment directed towards me personally and it hurts. So mourning was an important step in this process. The point here though is that I think I’m finally allowing myself to let go and be happy. This last weekend I felt such a sense of relief inside me. I felt at ease. Allowing myself to let go, and to see where I needed to let go has helped out immensely. Sunday night I was thinking to myself, this is the best weekend I’d had in awhile. Not saying others prior weren’t good but inside I felt a sense of relief, maybe closure to my old life and openings in my new one. A sense of moving forward. I also have to put this out there, that I’m extremely lucky to have Nick, who has been more than supportive. He listens to me talk about things over and over again until I finally feel better. I can be 100% honest with him about anything and he can see it from my perspective and not so much from a literal sense, if that makes sense. He gets me and my anxiety ridden brain, my paranoia, my OCD on certain things and that’s such a relief. Not to turn this into a mushy love blog but I had to throw that in there. He’s seriously been more than enough and it’s been a relief to have someone that can understand what’s going on in this crazy brain of mine. Someone that is patient with me and my quirks. Someone that loves me even when I tell him the darkest thoughts going on inside my head and knowing I won’t get criticized for them or he won’t look at me like I’m stupid. He will try to understand them. I can cry in his arms and he won’t let go. Anyway…this post has kind of turned haha. Losing my focus here. Nick’s great, moving on 🙂 So closure and mourning…I’ve only really experienced those things with death, never with something like this. At first I thought it was silly, mourning the loss of people that still existed on this earth but it’s necessary for moving forward. I’m sure I still have a ways to go but it’s a start. Many more lessons to be learned on this journey of life. I can’t complain because it’s shaped me for who I am today. It’s made me a stronger person and allowed me to love others even more. I’m learning what unconditional love is really about. In my opinion Love cures all things, oh and good communication haha. I hope this post wasn’t to all over the place. Sometimes it’s hard to get my thought’s out there in an organized manner. Thanks for reading! 🙂

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